Forever in our hearts...

I originally wrote this post for our local online support group, so some of the message is directed at members.

We lost our sweet Madelyne at 21 weeks on Tuesday 7-3. This is was our 4th pregnancy- 9 week miscarriage (2009), 35 week birth (Landon 3.5.10- our healthy, active, beautiful boy!), 13 week miscarriage (Oct 2011) & our Madelyne lost at 21 weeks after PROM. We really thought this was our chance, we made it past our last milestone of 13 weeks, had an excellent anatomy scan, hosted our family at a gender reveal party, then went on vacation. I was sick in bed for three days with a stomach virus, then still not feeling well & feeling alot of pressure so we went to the ER. They said I had a UTI & sent me home with a prescription. After we arrived home on Saturday 6-30 my Alere nurse had just given me my 17 P shot & I was talking to her about cramping that had increased. She recommended fluids & rest, just as I calmed down & agreed to her suggestion- my water broke. I immediately broke down...I knew this feeling, and was so scared to deliver at home as I did with our 13 weeker. We darted out the door leaving my 2 year old with someone he barely knew just hoping to reach the hospital doors & be "safe". They started regular IV antibiotics & I was on strict bed rest- I didn't deliver within 48 hours & we felt hopeful that we could carry on. We are a strong couple & decided we could handle this challenge and began thinking of life in he hospital, but knew we could make it if it meant a healthy life for a baby girl. They continued to check he baby's heart rate and we were still doing ok, at 3 p.m. on Tuesday her heart rate was strong. That evening my mom & our son came to visit at the hospital. I ordered him some chocolate chip cookies with my cafeteria meal to help ease the concern of visiting mommy at the hospital. The nurses came back in at 7 p.m. to check the baby again, but they couldn't find the heart beat. It was shift change so I assumed that this nurse didn't know what she was doing, and there must be an issue with her. Another nurse came to check and nothing, then they called the doctor on call. It was only about a 10 minute wait but it felt like an eternity. After the ultrasound it was confirmed that our baby girl's heart was no longer beating. I felt so numb like this moment couldn't be real. Things were going well this pregnancy, and i was finally our chance to complete our family. When the Dr. told me I would be taking a pill to induce labor & would have to deliver, I felt so angry. It felt like an additional punishment. Not only did we have to endure the loss, but I still had to labor and feel her lifeless body deliver. The next day felt like a blur, and I was still in shock. I couldn't see her right away, but did see her before we left the hospital. It all doesn't seem real. We dreamt about this little girl since we were 16 years old and friends in high school. My husband had chosen that name & told me whoever he married had to be okay with it. It became our sweet sentimental story. I feel so empty and lost, and don't know how to return to the normal world when everything in my life is upside down. I am sad that groups like this even exist that each of you has experienced the heartache of losing a child. I am grateful that there are others out there that understand our feelings, because it's very easy to feel that no one understands. Each of our experiences is different, unique, and our own. No need for comparison, but thank you for letting me share our story. My husband Kenny and I have been married since 10-21-06 & have a 2 year old that we adore. I feel that he is being left behind right now since Mommy & Daddy aren't 100%- any suggestions on keeping life sane for children in the home when everything else is shaky?