Forever in our hearts...

I originally wrote this post for our local online support group, so some of the message is directed at members.

We lost our sweet Madelyne at 21 weeks on Tuesday 7-3. This is was our 4th pregnancy- 9 week miscarriage (2009), 35 week birth (Landon 3.5.10- our healthy, active, beautiful boy!), 13 week miscarriage (Oct 2011) & our Madelyne lost at 21 weeks after PROM. We really thought this was our chance, we made it past our last milestone of 13 weeks, had an excellent anatomy scan, hosted our family at a gender reveal party, then went on vacation. I was sick in bed for three days with a stomach virus, then still not feeling well & feeling alot of pressure so we went to the ER. They said I had a UTI & sent me home with a prescription. After we arrived home on Saturday 6-30 my Alere nurse had just given me my 17 P shot & I was talking to her about cramping that had increased. She recommended fluids & rest, just as I calmed down & agreed to her suggestion- my water broke. I immediately broke down...I knew this feeling, and was so scared to deliver at home as I did with our 13 weeker. We darted out the door leaving my 2 year old with someone he barely knew just hoping to reach the hospital doors & be "safe". They started regular IV antibiotics & I was on strict bed rest- I didn't deliver within 48 hours & we felt hopeful that we could carry on. We are a strong couple & decided we could handle this challenge and began thinking of life in he hospital, but knew we could make it if it meant a healthy life for a baby girl. They continued to check he baby's heart rate and we were still doing ok, at 3 p.m. on Tuesday her heart rate was strong. That evening my mom & our son came to visit at the hospital. I ordered him some chocolate chip cookies with my cafeteria meal to help ease the concern of visiting mommy at the hospital. The nurses came back in at 7 p.m. to check the baby again, but they couldn't find the heart beat. It was shift change so I assumed that this nurse didn't know what she was doing, and there must be an issue with her. Another nurse came to check and nothing, then they called the doctor on call. It was only about a 10 minute wait but it felt like an eternity. After the ultrasound it was confirmed that our baby girl's heart was no longer beating. I felt so numb like this moment couldn't be real. Things were going well this pregnancy, and i was finally our chance to complete our family. When the Dr. told me I would be taking a pill to induce labor & would have to deliver, I felt so angry. It felt like an additional punishment. Not only did we have to endure the loss, but I still had to labor and feel her lifeless body deliver. The next day felt like a blur, and I was still in shock. I couldn't see her right away, but did see her before we left the hospital. It all doesn't seem real. We dreamt about this little girl since we were 16 years old and friends in high school. My husband had chosen that name & told me whoever he married had to be okay with it. It became our sweet sentimental story. I feel so empty and lost, and don't know how to return to the normal world when everything in my life is upside down. I am sad that groups like this even exist that each of you has experienced the heartache of losing a child. I am grateful that there are others out there that understand our feelings, because it's very easy to feel that no one understands. Each of our experiences is different, unique, and our own. No need for comparison, but thank you for letting me share our story. My husband Kenny and I have been married since 10-21-06 & have a 2 year old that we adore. I feel that he is being left behind right now since Mommy & Daddy aren't 100%- any suggestions on keeping life sane for children in the home when everything else is shaky? 

 

9 Days until we find out boy or girl!

We are so very excited to find out what we are having this time around. We've decided on the names Maddox or Madelyne & we are days away. This pregnancy has been good so far, but definitely more challenge & commitment with appointments, treatments, etc.

We will be sharing the news with family & friends on June 21st at our Pink or Blue BBQ. :)

7 month update

Landon's new thing is growling. He will giggle occasionally but more than likely you will be greeted with a growl if you smile or talk to him. He is just a chill baby and a joy to be around. He has finally learned to sit up, although he does topple over sometimes. Landon has also mastered holding his own bottle during feedings. It's great! He drools all the time and chews on his toys, but no teeth yet. His hair continues to grow, and one of our favorite hairstyles is a "faux hawk", especially when the USC Trojans are playing. We are so excited for Christmas and have done most all of his shopping. We are hoping to keep toys to a minimum so mommy & daddy don't have to clean them all up. The biggest news in our family is that Kenny and I are hoping to buy a house. We've prepared for along time and have all our things in a row, we've just got to find the right place. School districts are pretty important to us, so we might just have to be patient for new listings.

We hope you enjoy these photos of our little Boo!

6 month update

Our little man is now 6 months old. We had a family weekend at the beach and he got to touch his toes to the sand for the first time. Landon is now batting and playing with toys all the time, babbling, and grinning at everyone he sees. His last weight was 16 lbs 8 oz & 26 inches long.

5 Month Update

Landon started eating baby food at about 4-5 months, and so far loves everything. He has tried squash, green beans, sweet peas, carrots, bananas, and sweet potatoes.

Here are some photos!

4 month update

Landon is getting cuter day by day. We recently got his photos done by Monica Parkonnen Photography.

3 month Update!

I haven't been good about keeping up with this because like most new parents any time I get with Landon I treasure. Most evenings are spent sharing Landon cuddle time with Kenny, preparing bottles for the next day, laundry, or bath time. We love being parents & all the new things Landon does all the time. He is now rolling over from his tummy to his back, he is much stronger as he holds up his head, and typically sleeps through the night (when it's mommy's turn to be up). Tomorrow we celebrate Father's Day with Kenny. Landon is so excited to spend the weekend with his daddy & has planned some fun events. This morning we are going to downtown Saturday Market, eating lunch at a BBQ place Kenny wants to try, then spending the evening at home grilling out and spending family time together. Landon might even get in his baby pool for the first time. Tomorrow we are taking Daddy to Embassy Suites for the Father's Day brunch then giving Ken his present. He already received one from Landon which was a picture of him posing in Daddy's tie. I've posted it below. More updates soon!