Bye Bye Baby Things...

Tonight we sold the last of Landon's baby things. I'm happy to have the house clutter free and to have some extra cash on hand. I don't think it's hit me yet that these things are gone, and that the time in our life is closing.

Some of the things I've found most challenging are the fact that my body is not back to normal, so I don't feel like I can move on yet. Symptoms will reappear that I think are gone. My wardrobe consists of maxi dresses and sweat pants because my normal wardrobe just isn't comfortable & my maternity clothes aren't "Comforting".

Twice I've been asked questions that I didn't know the answer to, so I just quickly gave a response. By the dental assistant at Landon's appointment, "Is Landon your only child?" I wanted to say no, I have 3 other children in Heaven or we just lost our daughter Madelyne, but I quickly just responded, "Yes." It feels like a lie, but sometimes is just easier to say. 

The second was today as I sold the last of Landon's things to a Craigslist buyer. She questioned me as to why I was selling all of these items- "Aren't you going to have other babies?" "How old is your son?" She said her grandson was due in November and she was buying these items because her daughter is young and unmotivated. Ugh...so now you are telling me someone is having a perfectly healthy pregnancy due in the same month as me & is too irresponsible to purchase things for their own child...Okay I'm charging you double. :) So...I paused and just said, I'm ready to clean my house of baby items, and we won't be having any other babies soon."

I worried if I gave an honest response it would "hurt the sale". Question...should I worry about the other person, or burdening them, scaring them, making them sad? Or should I be absolutely honest in every interaction without regard for the other party. I feel like I'm somewhere in between.

 

“A Pair of Shoes” Author Unknown

A friend in our support group shared this, and I really liked it.

“A Pair of Shoes”
Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

I think there are many families that can relate to this & we can all benefit from remembering that we don't know the challenges each other faces everyday, but we should work to respect each other, and take the opportunity to be a supporting friend to someone who may be in need. 

At the close of life, the question will not be,
"How much have you gotten?" but "How much have you given?"
Not "How much have you won?" but "How much have you done?"
Not "How much have you saved?" but "How much have you sacrificed?"
It will be "How much have you loved and served," not "How much were you honored?"

Nathan C. Schaeff (Think about it...)

My Thoughts on Recent Outings

Dear Creepers:

Believe me, I get it...my child is CUTE, okay he's ADORABLE. Those big blue eyes, long lashes, and curly locks. Have I mentioned his dimples? (Melts your heart) He might smile at you in a store, or even say "Hi!". Most of the time he will point at you and stare while saying "What's that?" It's okay to say "Hi!" back, and if you work at the grocery s tore bakery you can offer him a cookie, or a balloon at the check-out line.

Please try to control your urge to follow us around the store showing up on random aisles to talk to him (especially since you are on the clock). He will, after a few aisles get wierded out, and that friendly, active toddler will soon cling to our legs like a scared little puppy because the very sight of you has gotten him freaked out. I don't think your long pinky nail is helping the matter (why do you need that anyway? all of your other nails are trimmed)...don't try to touch my kid or give him a high five. Just because a child knows how to give a high five, it doesn't mean that they want to high five every person's hand they come into contact with.

As he starts screaming and crying you will get hurt feelings, and why not save yourself the embarrassment...after all I really don't want to try to stay polite as you are creeping around my child. Please don't ask him his name, he won't answer you & we will politely try to ignore your question so as to have some privacy for our child.

Sincerely,

You have been warned :)

Forever in our hearts...

I originally wrote this post for our local online support group, so some of the message is directed at members.

We lost our sweet Madelyne at 21 weeks on Tuesday 7-3. This is was our 4th pregnancy- 9 week miscarriage (2009), 35 week birth (Landon 3.5.10- our healthy, active, beautiful boy!), 13 week miscarriage (Oct 2011) & our Madelyne lost at 21 weeks after PROM. We really thought this was our chance, we made it past our last milestone of 13 weeks, had an excellent anatomy scan, hosted our family at a gender reveal party, then went on vacation. I was sick in bed for three days with a stomach virus, then still not feeling well & feeling alot of pressure so we went to the ER. They said I had a UTI & sent me home with a prescription. After we arrived home on Saturday 6-30 my Alere nurse had just given me my 17 P shot & I was talking to her about cramping that had increased. She recommended fluids & rest, just as I calmed down & agreed to her suggestion- my water broke. I immediately broke down...I knew this feeling, and was so scared to deliver at home as I did with our 13 weeker. We darted out the door leaving my 2 year old with someone he barely knew just hoping to reach the hospital doors & be "safe". They started regular IV antibiotics & I was on strict bed rest- I didn't deliver within 48 hours & we felt hopeful that we could carry on. We are a strong couple & decided we could handle this challenge and began thinking of life in he hospital, but knew we could make it if it meant a healthy life for a baby girl. They continued to check he baby's heart rate and we were still doing ok, at 3 p.m. on Tuesday her heart rate was strong. That evening my mom & our son came to visit at the hospital. I ordered him some chocolate chip cookies with my cafeteria meal to help ease the concern of visiting mommy at the hospital. The nurses came back in at 7 p.m. to check the baby again, but they couldn't find the heart beat. It was shift change so I assumed that this nurse didn't know what she was doing, and there must be an issue with her. Another nurse came to check and nothing, then they called the doctor on call. It was only about a 10 minute wait but it felt like an eternity. After the ultrasound it was confirmed that our baby girl's heart was no longer beating. I felt so numb like this moment couldn't be real. Things were going well this pregnancy, and i was finally our chance to complete our family. When the Dr. told me I would be taking a pill to induce labor & would have to deliver, I felt so angry. It felt like an additional punishment. Not only did we have to endure the loss, but I still had to labor and feel her lifeless body deliver. The next day felt like a blur, and I was still in shock. I couldn't see her right away, but did see her before we left the hospital. It all doesn't seem real. We dreamt about this little girl since we were 16 years old and friends in high school. My husband had chosen that name & told me whoever he married had to be okay with it. It became our sweet sentimental story. I feel so empty and lost, and don't know how to return to the normal world when everything in my life is upside down. I am sad that groups like this even exist that each of you has experienced the heartache of losing a child. I am grateful that there are others out there that understand our feelings, because it's very easy to feel that no one understands. Each of our experiences is different, unique, and our own. No need for comparison, but thank you for letting me share our story. My husband Kenny and I have been married since 10-21-06 & have a 2 year old that we adore. I feel that he is being left behind right now since Mommy & Daddy aren't 100%- any suggestions on keeping life sane for children in the home when everything else is shaky? 

 

9 Days until we find out boy or girl!

We are so very excited to find out what we are having this time around. We've decided on the names Maddox or Madelyne & we are days away. This pregnancy has been good so far, but definitely more challenge & commitment with appointments, treatments, etc.

We will be sharing the news with family & friends on June 21st at our Pink or Blue BBQ. :)

7 month update

Landon's new thing is growling. He will giggle occasionally but more than likely you will be greeted with a growl if you smile or talk to him. He is just a chill baby and a joy to be around. He has finally learned to sit up, although he does topple over sometimes. Landon has also mastered holding his own bottle during feedings. It's great! He drools all the time and chews on his toys, but no teeth yet. His hair continues to grow, and one of our favorite hairstyles is a "faux hawk", especially when the USC Trojans are playing. We are so excited for Christmas and have done most all of his shopping. We are hoping to keep toys to a minimum so mommy & daddy don't have to clean them all up. The biggest news in our family is that Kenny and I are hoping to buy a house. We've prepared for along time and have all our things in a row, we've just got to find the right place. School districts are pretty important to us, so we might just have to be patient for new listings.

We hope you enjoy these photos of our little Boo!

6 month update

Our little man is now 6 months old. We had a family weekend at the beach and he got to touch his toes to the sand for the first time. Landon is now batting and playing with toys all the time, babbling, and grinning at everyone he sees. His last weight was 16 lbs 8 oz & 26 inches long.