We are just like you...

We are a normal American family, we are just like you, but....

• Sometimes we have to remind ourselves to breathe
• Sometimes we have to fight our emotions to stay "normal", "polite", "routine"
• When we look at family photos, we SMILE...but we see holes...places where our children should be sitting
• When we are asked "How many children do you have?" we swallow hard & give a brief response because giving the details is too complicated and painful
• We eat, sleep, work, love and try to find the balance in life

We are a grieving family-we grieve for our hopes and dreams, we grieve for what could have been, we grieve for the spirits and heartbeats of our children gone before us.

Our grief does not overshadow our joy for today and moments of now. Landon is a beautiful child with a kind, silly heart. We do our best, daily to be good parents. We question our decisions, what's best for him, what's best for us....can you relate? Last week as I was crying in front of him he crawled into my lap and said, "Mommy cry?" "Mommy sad?", and wiped away my tears. I honestly didn't know how to respond. I want to be "real" with him, and I want him to know about Mady, but it made me feel like he was taking on a role that wasn't appropriate for his age #Parentalguilt!

Last week as we sat by our Madelyne's gravesite and talked and cried I reflected on the fact that we are 28 years old and were visiting our child at a cemetary. Something seems very backwards about that. Madelyne, like our two other children is loved and always will be. Please try to understand that if we talk about her or them, or try to create memories of them it's because that's all we've got. We don't have a child to hug and hold, just a few mementos that mean so much.

I created a shadow box with the help of Ken & my mom and I think it's a good start to incorporating her into our home. She has been carved into our family for a longtime but I love seeing her name now, and want to have her as a part of our daily lives.

"If I could give you the best gifts of all, they would be the everlasting kind- like sunny thoughts to lift you high above your troubles and warm rays of love and friendship always in your heart. If I could shower you with happiness each hour, I would-making sure no problem ever touched your life or displaced your joy for living. If I could take your hand and lead you securely down life's path, safely shielding you from any harm, I would.

I'd do all this for you. If only the power were in my hands. I'd give you life's best gifts. But I hope you'll see that the very best gifts are truly yours already-
All the same, I'd like for you to know and remember this within your heart: I am close by caring for you greatly and wishing to protect you. My best gift to you, dear child will be as it has always been: my great love for you..."
~ Barbara J. Hall