One step at a time, day by day...

This week has been unplanned, unexpected....Denise (Ken's Mom) had a stroke last last week & was hospitalized. She is home now facing a very serious diagnosis. Ralph (Ken's Grandpa) developed health problems a few nights ago and was rushed to the hospital. This among other personal and family stresses has been a lot on all of our plates at once.

Sometimes I feel it's hard to be in the support role. I know how I like to be supported, but I always worry that I'm missing my cue...

Evenings are tough because my mind just runs and runs even if I should be asleep, or I'm tired. I just can't seem to rest at all. I'm mixing up my days and schedules. We have big plans as a family this weekend to travel to see Sesame Street Live with Landon. I have purchased all sorts of Sesame Street related items to give to him in celebration. 

I hope he has fun & enjoys the time we have together. I know I am looking forward to it.

We are just like you...

We are a normal American family, we are just like you, but....

• Sometimes we have to remind ourselves to breathe
• Sometimes we have to fight our emotions to stay "normal", "polite", "routine"
• When we look at family photos, we SMILE...but we see holes...places where our children should be sitting
• When we are asked "How many children do you have?" we swallow hard & give a brief response because giving the details is too complicated and painful
• We eat, sleep, work, love and try to find the balance in life

We are a grieving family-we grieve for our hopes and dreams, we grieve for what could have been, we grieve for the spirits and heartbeats of our children gone before us.

Our grief does not overshadow our joy for today and moments of now. Landon is a beautiful child with a kind, silly heart. We do our best, daily to be good parents. We question our decisions, what's best for him, what's best for us....can you relate? Last week as I was crying in front of him he crawled into my lap and said, "Mommy cry?" "Mommy sad?", and wiped away my tears. I honestly didn't know how to respond. I want to be "real" with him, and I want him to know about Mady, but it made me feel like he was taking on a role that wasn't appropriate for his age #Parentalguilt!

Last week as we sat by our Madelyne's gravesite and talked and cried I reflected on the fact that we are 28 years old and were visiting our child at a cemetary. Something seems very backwards about that. Madelyne, like our two other children is loved and always will be. Please try to understand that if we talk about her or them, or try to create memories of them it's because that's all we've got. We don't have a child to hug and hold, just a few mementos that mean so much.

I created a shadow box with the help of Ken & my mom and I think it's a good start to incorporating her into our home. She has been carved into our family for a longtime but I love seeing her name now, and want to have her as a part of our daily lives.

"If I could give you the best gifts of all, they would be the everlasting kind- like sunny thoughts to lift you high above your troubles and warm rays of love and friendship always in your heart. If I could shower you with happiness each hour, I would-making sure no problem ever touched your life or displaced your joy for living. If I could take your hand and lead you securely down life's path, safely shielding you from any harm, I would.

I'd do all this for you. If only the power were in my hands. I'd give you life's best gifts. But I hope you'll see that the very best gifts are truly yours already-
All the same, I'd like for you to know and remember this within your heart: I am close by caring for you greatly and wishing to protect you. My best gift to you, dear child will be as it has always been: my great love for you..."
~ Barbara J. Hall

Tomorrow is the Big Day!

The last week of June we left for what was supposed to be a relaxing well-deserved family vacation. We got a great rate for peak season and were so excited to spend a whole week together away from the hustle and bustle of regular life. We arrived late on Saturday night and ordered a pizza to make things easy. We had not taken a week-long vacation since we got married 6 years ago.

Landon- So handsome & precious!

On Sunday morning I woke up sick as a dog and was throwing up all day. I couldn't even leave the bed. This kept on for another day, but I felt well enough to take a walk on the pier the next morning. I tried all the over the counter medicines to try to ease the nausea but I must have picked up a virus. From Saturday-Wednesday I was laying in the bed barely able to eat/drink and very sick.  Wednesday night I went to the ER since my symptoms had not gotten better & they prescribed an antibiotic. I started to feel better on Thursday so we went out the breakfast and had a nice day. Friday was our last big day so we met friends who were down at the beach for dinner and then went shopping at the Outlets for Madelyne.

Shopping was one of the biggest things I was excited about with going to the beach. Finally, our child had an identity & we could start to envision our future family.

Skip down to my previous post & you know the rest of the story.

Tomorrow is my first day back at work. One thing that some people don't know is that when you deliver a child you have the right to maternity leave/FMLA. Just because I wasn't blessed to take my child home- don't I deserve this coverage?

Some have questioned why I was out of the office so long, but my 6  weeks of maternity leave were my right & a part of the benefits I have through my employer of 6 years. I still had to deal with all of the normal symptoms of pregnancy: bleeding, swelling, hormones, milk production, etc. This was my fourth pregnancy, and my 3rd unsuccessful pregnancy. At 13 weeks I saw my child as we delivered at home unexpectedly, but at 21 weeks our child, Madelyne truly had a personality and spirit. She was perfectly formed and for reasons outside of our control my water broke prematurely and she was not able to continue breathing.

Tomorrow, life goes on...but it's hard not to feel like our life is standing still & everyone is spinning around us. I have to remember that I'm not the only one facing a challenge and that many of us would just like to crawl into the safety of our homes & not have to make contact with the outside world.

It doesn't mean that our family's challenges are not important to us, burdening our minds and emotions, but I think we should all take a few moments to realize that we are not the only ones facing major life challenges.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”

You know that saying....

Have you ever heard the saying...

"Sugar & Spice & everything nice, that's what little girls are made of...!"

"Snips & Snails & puppy dog tails, that's what little boys are made of...!"

THIS IS A LIE!!!!!

I have determined with my vast knowledge of parenthood (2+ years!) that children, especially toddlers are made of three ingredients: syrup, peanut butter and Cheetos. 

How else would these mystery finger prints show up on furniture, electronics, the carpet, front door, refrigerator and especially Mommy & Daddy's work clothes??

It could be 7 a.m. on the way out the door for work & I see Cheetos finger prints on my shoulder. Since Landon isn't given Cheetos for breakfast, I must conclude that he was created using these items & why he always smells like a combination of these snacks even after a bath. Of course, add a splash of apple juice.

Landon's Latest "Moves"...

Landon has been sleeping well in his converted crib to toddler bed for a few months now. We decided to wait a while because our bedrooms are on the 2nd story of our home & the thought of stairwell accidents is SCARY! We finally found a gate that works at the top of the stairs & he loves his Big Boy Bed :) I remember my nephew Riley waking up at night to play with toys & falling asleep behind the door as a toddler. I have heard of kids sleep walking, but for the most part Landon stays in his room, or so I thought.

Two days in a row we woke & Landon was lying in the bed between us (With all four puppies and two blankets). Kenny and I both asked each other "Did you get him last night?" I knew he could crawl in the bed, but I didn't know that I slept hard enough that I missed a toddler with daggers in his elbows/knees, four stuffed animals, a blanket, comforter, and pillow being thrown over my face???

The answer is "yes!" I have to wonder what else goes on while we are sleeping. Is that just something you have to not worry about as a parent like, "What we don't know won't hurt us." :)

The other new thing is that Landon likes to yell "MOMMY!" at everything he notices. Each aisle at a story, at home while watching a show etc. Anything he notices : bananas, a toy, a character, someone strange looking, candy, books, etc. He yells "MOMMY!" extremely loud, even if I'm looking at the same thing or talking to him about it. It's as if he doesn't think he has my attention. It gets a bit intense. :)

What things are you Mommy's & Daddy's of toddlers facing?

Bye Bye Baby Things...

Tonight we sold the last of Landon's baby things. I'm happy to have the house clutter free and to have some extra cash on hand. I don't think it's hit me yet that these things are gone, and that the time in our life is closing.

Some of the things I've found most challenging are the fact that my body is not back to normal, so I don't feel like I can move on yet. Symptoms will reappear that I think are gone. My wardrobe consists of maxi dresses and sweat pants because my normal wardrobe just isn't comfortable & my maternity clothes aren't "Comforting".

Twice I've been asked questions that I didn't know the answer to, so I just quickly gave a response. By the dental assistant at Landon's appointment, "Is Landon your only child?" I wanted to say no, I have 3 other children in Heaven or we just lost our daughter Madelyne, but I quickly just responded, "Yes." It feels like a lie, but sometimes is just easier to say. 

The second was today as I sold the last of Landon's things to a Craigslist buyer. She questioned me as to why I was selling all of these items- "Aren't you going to have other babies?" "How old is your son?" She said her grandson was due in November and she was buying these items because her daughter is young and unmotivated. Ugh...so now you are telling me someone is having a perfectly healthy pregnancy due in the same month as me & is too irresponsible to purchase things for their own child...Okay I'm charging you double. :) So...I paused and just said, I'm ready to clean my house of baby items, and we won't be having any other babies soon."

I worried if I gave an honest response it would "hurt the sale". Question...should I worry about the other person, or burdening them, scaring them, making them sad? Or should I be absolutely honest in every interaction without regard for the other party. I feel like I'm somewhere in between.

 

“A Pair of Shoes” Author Unknown

A friend in our support group shared this, and I really liked it.

“A Pair of Shoes”
Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

I think there are many families that can relate to this & we can all benefit from remembering that we don't know the challenges each other faces everyday, but we should work to respect each other, and take the opportunity to be a supporting friend to someone who may be in need. 

At the close of life, the question will not be,
"How much have you gotten?" but "How much have you given?"
Not "How much have you won?" but "How much have you done?"
Not "How much have you saved?" but "How much have you sacrificed?"
It will be "How much have you loved and served," not "How much were you honored?"

Nathan C. Schaeff (Think about it...)