I miss Mady today...

Today, I overslept...maybe it was simply a matter of turning off my cell phone alarm, or the fact that Landon woke us up in the middle of the night, the emotional exhaustion of this journey...but, either way waking up at 7:45 a.m. doesn't help when you are supposed to be at work at 8 a.m.

I met a friend from support group today at lunch (which I almost forgot). It was helpful to talk about things and what had been going on lately, but it made me think of Madelyne more than I already was.

Today I should be 33 weeks pregnant, and happily thinking about the changes in our life, and Landon becoming a big brother. Instead, we try to "carry on" with normal life while missing a piece of our family. I think our support group friends will understand that there will always be faces missing in our family photos. Do you understand that feeling? If not, be thankful...but be understanding.

This photo makes me feel happy (that he will know he is a big brother & has a sister) and sad (that she can't be in his arms, able to annoy him, take too long in the bathroom, etc.) We visited Madelyne at the cemetary on Sunday and Kenny snapped this photo.

Landon visiting baby Mady's gravesite

We went on to have a fun afternoon at Niven's Apple Farm & the weekend before we took Landon to see Sesame Street Live in Atlanta and Landon had a great time. I am so happy we had that time together to reconnect as a family.

 



Mommy and Landon

If you read this post and think it's random...this is just our life. One moment is normal...the next is grief...this is our little journey.

One of the things I miss about our Mady was her perfect little hands. She looked like she had a perfect french manicure, and her fingers looked so much like Kenny's/Landon's hands. I hope to do something special on her due date to celebrate her & will share that with friends soon. I'm thinking- Manicures for Mady...asking friends to treat themselves to a manicure & post a photo online in celebration of being "a girl". One thing I am already missing so much is not being able to share those  memories with Mady. I wish so badly that I could paint her little baby toes and take her for a manicure when she is old enough to enjoy it.

Will you join me in getting a manicure on November 12th?

My thoughts exactly...

The Heartbreak of Infant Loss

By Laura Schubert

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

Laura Schubert of New Berlin is a mother, teacher and two-time breast cancer survivor. Email ljschubert@aol.com

One step at a time, day by day...

This week has been unplanned, unexpected....Denise (Ken's Mom) had a stroke last last week & was hospitalized. She is home now facing a very serious diagnosis. Ralph (Ken's Grandpa) developed health problems a few nights ago and was rushed to the hospital. This among other personal and family stresses has been a lot on all of our plates at once.

Sometimes I feel it's hard to be in the support role. I know how I like to be supported, but I always worry that I'm missing my cue...

Evenings are tough because my mind just runs and runs even if I should be asleep, or I'm tired. I just can't seem to rest at all. I'm mixing up my days and schedules. We have big plans as a family this weekend to travel to see Sesame Street Live with Landon. I have purchased all sorts of Sesame Street related items to give to him in celebration. 

I hope he has fun & enjoys the time we have together. I know I am looking forward to it.

We are just like you...

We are a normal American family, we are just like you, but....

• Sometimes we have to remind ourselves to breathe
• Sometimes we have to fight our emotions to stay "normal", "polite", "routine"
• When we look at family photos, we SMILE...but we see holes...places where our children should be sitting
• When we are asked "How many children do you have?" we swallow hard & give a brief response because giving the details is too complicated and painful
• We eat, sleep, work, love and try to find the balance in life

We are a grieving family-we grieve for our hopes and dreams, we grieve for what could have been, we grieve for the spirits and heartbeats of our children gone before us.

Our grief does not overshadow our joy for today and moments of now. Landon is a beautiful child with a kind, silly heart. We do our best, daily to be good parents. We question our decisions, what's best for him, what's best for us....can you relate? Last week as I was crying in front of him he crawled into my lap and said, "Mommy cry?" "Mommy sad?", and wiped away my tears. I honestly didn't know how to respond. I want to be "real" with him, and I want him to know about Mady, but it made me feel like he was taking on a role that wasn't appropriate for his age #Parentalguilt!

Last week as we sat by our Madelyne's gravesite and talked and cried I reflected on the fact that we are 28 years old and were visiting our child at a cemetary. Something seems very backwards about that. Madelyne, like our two other children is loved and always will be. Please try to understand that if we talk about her or them, or try to create memories of them it's because that's all we've got. We don't have a child to hug and hold, just a few mementos that mean so much.

I created a shadow box with the help of Ken & my mom and I think it's a good start to incorporating her into our home. She has been carved into our family for a longtime but I love seeing her name now, and want to have her as a part of our daily lives.

"If I could give you the best gifts of all, they would be the everlasting kind- like sunny thoughts to lift you high above your troubles and warm rays of love and friendship always in your heart. If I could shower you with happiness each hour, I would-making sure no problem ever touched your life or displaced your joy for living. If I could take your hand and lead you securely down life's path, safely shielding you from any harm, I would.

I'd do all this for you. If only the power were in my hands. I'd give you life's best gifts. But I hope you'll see that the very best gifts are truly yours already-
All the same, I'd like for you to know and remember this within your heart: I am close by caring for you greatly and wishing to protect you. My best gift to you, dear child will be as it has always been: my great love for you..."
~ Barbara J. Hall

Tomorrow is the Big Day!

The last week of June we left for what was supposed to be a relaxing well-deserved family vacation. We got a great rate for peak season and were so excited to spend a whole week together away from the hustle and bustle of regular life. We arrived late on Saturday night and ordered a pizza to make things easy. We had not taken a week-long vacation since we got married 6 years ago.

Landon- So handsome & precious!

On Sunday morning I woke up sick as a dog and was throwing up all day. I couldn't even leave the bed. This kept on for another day, but I felt well enough to take a walk on the pier the next morning. I tried all the over the counter medicines to try to ease the nausea but I must have picked up a virus. From Saturday-Wednesday I was laying in the bed barely able to eat/drink and very sick.  Wednesday night I went to the ER since my symptoms had not gotten better & they prescribed an antibiotic. I started to feel better on Thursday so we went out the breakfast and had a nice day. Friday was our last big day so we met friends who were down at the beach for dinner and then went shopping at the Outlets for Madelyne.

Shopping was one of the biggest things I was excited about with going to the beach. Finally, our child had an identity & we could start to envision our future family.

Skip down to my previous post & you know the rest of the story.

Tomorrow is my first day back at work. One thing that some people don't know is that when you deliver a child you have the right to maternity leave/FMLA. Just because I wasn't blessed to take my child home- don't I deserve this coverage?

Some have questioned why I was out of the office so long, but my 6  weeks of maternity leave were my right & a part of the benefits I have through my employer of 6 years. I still had to deal with all of the normal symptoms of pregnancy: bleeding, swelling, hormones, milk production, etc. This was my fourth pregnancy, and my 3rd unsuccessful pregnancy. At 13 weeks I saw my child as we delivered at home unexpectedly, but at 21 weeks our child, Madelyne truly had a personality and spirit. She was perfectly formed and for reasons outside of our control my water broke prematurely and she was not able to continue breathing.

Tomorrow, life goes on...but it's hard not to feel like our life is standing still & everyone is spinning around us. I have to remember that I'm not the only one facing a challenge and that many of us would just like to crawl into the safety of our homes & not have to make contact with the outside world.

It doesn't mean that our family's challenges are not important to us, burdening our minds and emotions, but I think we should all take a few moments to realize that we are not the only ones facing major life challenges.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”

You know that saying....

Have you ever heard the saying...

"Sugar & Spice & everything nice, that's what little girls are made of...!"

"Snips & Snails & puppy dog tails, that's what little boys are made of...!"

THIS IS A LIE!!!!!

I have determined with my vast knowledge of parenthood (2+ years!) that children, especially toddlers are made of three ingredients: syrup, peanut butter and Cheetos. 

How else would these mystery finger prints show up on furniture, electronics, the carpet, front door, refrigerator and especially Mommy & Daddy's work clothes??

It could be 7 a.m. on the way out the door for work & I see Cheetos finger prints on my shoulder. Since Landon isn't given Cheetos for breakfast, I must conclude that he was created using these items & why he always smells like a combination of these snacks even after a bath. Of course, add a splash of apple juice.

Landon's Latest "Moves"...

Landon has been sleeping well in his converted crib to toddler bed for a few months now. We decided to wait a while because our bedrooms are on the 2nd story of our home & the thought of stairwell accidents is SCARY! We finally found a gate that works at the top of the stairs & he loves his Big Boy Bed :) I remember my nephew Riley waking up at night to play with toys & falling asleep behind the door as a toddler. I have heard of kids sleep walking, but for the most part Landon stays in his room, or so I thought.

Two days in a row we woke & Landon was lying in the bed between us (With all four puppies and two blankets). Kenny and I both asked each other "Did you get him last night?" I knew he could crawl in the bed, but I didn't know that I slept hard enough that I missed a toddler with daggers in his elbows/knees, four stuffed animals, a blanket, comforter, and pillow being thrown over my face???

The answer is "yes!" I have to wonder what else goes on while we are sleeping. Is that just something you have to not worry about as a parent like, "What we don't know won't hurt us." :)

The other new thing is that Landon likes to yell "MOMMY!" at everything he notices. Each aisle at a story, at home while watching a show etc. Anything he notices : bananas, a toy, a character, someone strange looking, candy, books, etc. He yells "MOMMY!" extremely loud, even if I'm looking at the same thing or talking to him about it. It's as if he doesn't think he has my attention. It gets a bit intense. :)

What things are you Mommy's & Daddy's of toddlers facing?